Invitation etiquette

As we get closer to our wedding season in the Seattle area, I have received a lot of similar questions from my couples as they start to prepare their invitations.

Let’s dig in and look at what traditional etiquette says and then I’ll give my opinion as a planner and past wedding guest.

Photo by Sarah Joy Fields

Should we put the actual start time on the invitation vs saying it’s starting 30 minutes earlier than planned?

When looking at Emily Post, their website makes no mention of adjusting the time on the invitation to reflect an earlier time than what is planned. They dig into the wording, stating the correct location, possibly the dress code and other pertinent details, both in formal and informal wedding invitations.

Martha Stewart Weddings posted an article about this in February 2020 stating: “Always pad the timing for your ceremony by at least ten to fifteen minutes (i.e. invitation may say 4 p.m. but you'll actually start the ceremony at 4:15). This allows a little leeway for guests to run late, find their seats and file in at an appropriate pace.” Has this changed with the pandemic? Let’s investigate further…

I also found this article, written by Brides, stating: “While it might be tempting to indicate a ceremony start time that's earlier than the one you've planned, you may want to reconsider that thought. If there is one thing wedding guests know, it’s to show up early to a wedding ceremony. If you plan to begin your ceremony at 5 p.m., expect guests to arrive between 4:30 and 4:45—and to head down the aisle no later than 5:15. If you tell guests the ceremony will begin at 4:45, they’ll arrive closer to 4:00 and wait an hour to see your grand entrance.”

I reached out to one of my stationer friends, Shannon from Impress Ink Design, a custom stationer in the Seattle area, to get her opinion on all of this. We’ve both noticed a trend of the etiquette changing or not taken account for at all when it comes to wedding invitations. Here is what she had to say about the ceremony timing listed on the invite:

“For the time listed on the invitations, it should always be the exact time that you plan to start the ceremony. Guests will arrive early, typically at least 15 minutes early. So if you have a 30 minute buffer that your guests don't know is a buffer, you now have guests waiting 45 minutes for the ceremony to start, and that's only in the rare instance that the wedding actually starts on time. I tell my clients to never plan the entire wedding experience around their "worst" guest, or the ones they expect to be late. But instead have a plan B for latecomers to prevent them from interrupting the ceremony. Usually that's an usher to hold them in the back until the appropriate time to be seated. But listing an earlier start time on the invitation that when you actually plan to begin the ceremony only punishes the guests who arrive on time.”

What’s my opinion you might ask? Put your planned ceremony start time on your invitation.

I am of the thought that you want to set a great impression to begin with for your guests. Similar to what Shannon said, don’t punish those who know to come early to your wedding ceremony. Purposely starting 15-30 minutes late sets the tone that their time doesn’t matter, which is not how you want your guests to feel at all. They’ll assume everything else is running late strictly because the ceremony started late in their eyes. Yes, it is your wedding day, and yes, things can come up at the last minute such as traffic accidents, unforeseen delays and such. You can always push back the ceremony start time if need be at that point, but don’t purposely plan to start your ceremony late. It shows a lack of respect for your guests, some of whom have traveled a great distance to celebrate with you.

Photo by Courtney Bowlden

When should we send out our invitations? I want to know how many people are going to be attending so I can plan accordingly.

With the post office being somewhat unreliable at times in this, dare I say, almost post-covid world, I’ve found that couples are nervous about waiting too long to send out wedding invitations. There’s stress from family and friends to know alllll the details, there’s stress to figure out their table assignments, and they just want to know who’s officially going to be there and who won’t.

But you know what? No matter how early you send out your invitations, there’s always going to be someone changing their mind, circumstance or whathaveyou before your wedding day. Shannon mentions “In general, even though guests are typically excited to be invited to a wedding, they also don't like to commit. They'll stall on sending that RSVP card back, so if you give them too much time, it will end up out of sight, out of mind and never get returned. So 2 months prior is usually in that sweet spot of timing where it's close enough that guests won't tuck the invitation away for later.”

According to Shannon: “For mailing timelines, it does vary slightly depending on some variables like whether they've sent save the dates or if it's a destination wedding. Generally, if Save the dates have been sent prior, invites should hit guest's mailboxes 2 months prior to the wedding, with RSVP deadline 1 month prior. If they skipped sending save the dates, or if it's a destination wedding, mailing can be bumped up closer to 3 months prior. But never sooner than that!”

I encourage all of my couples to create a wedding website early on so they can add that to their save the date. If guests have a question about where to stay, where the event is, timing, etc. it can all be found on the invitation. By the time you go to send the invitation, it is more of a formality and to elicit a formal response and meal selection from the guests.

Even when you do have a RSVP date of a month before your wedding, chances are you’re still going to have a couple of people you’re going to have to chase for an official response. You’re still in ok shape though! Caterers generally don’t need a final head count until about 2 weeks before the wedding and rental companies usually need about a weeks notice. It can sound like a lot to do in the home stretch before your wedding day, but if you have a good team of solid wedding pros behind you, the last month should be a breeze because the main details will be taken care of by then. Once you get your official guest count, you’re merely fine tuning those details.

Cheers!

Shiloh